I'm usually a big fan of The Good Men Project. They say interesting and often useful things. So I'm completely dumbfounded as to why they would publish Andy Bodle's self-pitying whine-fest about a pretty girl who turned him down.
It's a well-written and nicely composed whine-fest, I'll grant you that. But fuck! He thought he was madly in love with a girl for nearly a year but didn't bother to mention this to her, instead cultivating (what she thought was) a deep, meaningful friendship in which they supported and cared for each other. And he's surprised when he springs on her, soon after a party at which she hooked up with someone else, "Hey, by the way, I'm in love with you!" and she doesn't feel the same?
Here's the thing, girls absolutely do not fall for jerks. We loathe discovering that the guy we've recently started dating is, in truth, an enormous asshole. We hate being treated badly, we don't enjoy being cheated on or lied to, and we can't stand when men reveal that we were a notch on their bedpost on the way to something younger and hotter. That shit really goddamned sucks.
We adore guys who treat us like royalty. We love men who comfort us when we're down, who are thrilled with us when we succeed, who cuddle us while watching movies and dance with us when we go out. When we discover that our new beau has these qualities, we are absolutely over the moon. No woman says, three weeks into a relationship, "Well, he hasn't called me a slut or cheated on me once. I'm not sure this has long-term potential."
You men who think girls only go for "bad boys" and never "nice guys" like you (and I'm pretty sure this is only a problem with hetero boys), it's not "nice guys" we don't like. It's you.
You are, in fact, not nice. Wheedling your way into a woman's pants by pretending to be her friend is not nice. Expecting sex in return for a shoulder to cry on is not nice. Wishing she could read your mind and realize you love her but never actually, you know, asking her out is not nice.
That's passive aggression, and it's one of the biggest turnoffs in the world.
Contrary to what you might think, women do have male friends they don't fuck. Some men genuinely are nice, and some of them like to have women friends, to have conversations and stuff with. Some men don't have a secret agenda of getting every pretty girl who gives them a modicum of attention into bed. Some men (gasp!) actually just like women and enjoy their company. We like being friends with them.
And if all you ever do is offer friendship, don't be surprised when we completely fail to fall in love with you. If you're expecting friendship to lead to sex, too goddamned bad for you. That's not the way it works. To quote a friend (who I'll credit if someone points out who first said this), "Women are not vending machines you put 'nice' tokens in and sex comes out."
Furthermore, "nice" is not a selling point, so quit offering that to women as if it's some holy grail. Niceness is, in fact, a basic requirement. It's like trying to get a date based on being clean. If your best quality is that you're "nice," expect to get passed over for men who would never call themselves nice, but actually are nice, in addition to things like clever, funny, interesting, and talented.
We expect better. And we're not remotely sorry for your silent suffering.
Monday, July 1, 2013
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Being Fair Is NOT Being Equal
For those of us in multiple relationships, "fair" can be a loaded word. "It's not fair that she gets to sleep over but I don't." "It's not fair that you don't use condoms with him but you do with me." "It's not fair that he gets weekend dates with you while I only get weekdays." "It's not fair that we never take trips together but you do that with your other partners."
Sound familiar? Most of us hear things like this all too often.
The fact is, sometimes those things may be true. And you may feel you're being treated unfairly when you find that your metamours (your partner's other partners) receive different treatment than you do.
But please understand, fair isn't the same as equal.
Did you catch that? I'll say it again: fair isn't the same as equal. Fairness in relationships is ensuring everyone gets what they need, not ensuring everyone gets the same thing.
It's easy to recognize that fair and equal aren't synonymous when you consider, say, public transportation. People in wheelchairs are given special consideration on the bus, and sometimes even have a dedicated bus pick them up to ensure they get where they need to go. It's not an equivalent treatment that ambulatory people receive, and for good reason. Those of us not using wheelchairs have no need for such specialized equipment. Thus, fairness is ensuring that people in wheelchairs are able to use public transit just as everyone else is.
Similarly, not all partners in poly relationships will be treated equally. This doesn't imply unfair treatment of one or more people (although that certainly may happen).
In my own relationships, I've noticed that one of my partners needs a lot of contact throughout the day, while the other does not. Because of this, I text Ryder while on dates with Rusty, but I limit how much I text Rusty when I'm with Ryder. This isn't because I love Ryder more or don't value Rusty. It's because not hearing from me for a few hours doesn't bother Rusty, but it makes Ryder anxious.
Conversely, Rusty often has to rely on me for transportation for dates. He shares a car with another partner, so if she needs the car for something, he won't have use of it. I'm happy to pick him up at the beginning of our date and drop him off after, and I rarely do this with Ryder (Ryder and the partner he lives with share three vehicles, making it easy for him to have access to wheels).
These are just some of my experiences. Examples I've seen of unequal yet fair treatment in poly relationships: living with one partner but not others, having several dates per week with some partners but only a few per month with others, engaging in certain hobbies with one partner but not the other, owning a business with some but not all partners.
You may be struggling with this inaccurate idea of fairness right now. Perhaps one of your partners has asked for something and you can't figure out how you'll give it to all your partners. Perhaps you've learned about something your partner shares with another partner, and you feel slighted that you don't get it as well. You can stop worrying! No one is being treated unfairly just because things aren't equal.
Are there other ways in which unequal but fair treatment manifests? Please share your experiences!
Sound familiar? Most of us hear things like this all too often.
The fact is, sometimes those things may be true. And you may feel you're being treated unfairly when you find that your metamours (your partner's other partners) receive different treatment than you do.
But please understand, fair isn't the same as equal.
Did you catch that? I'll say it again: fair isn't the same as equal. Fairness in relationships is ensuring everyone gets what they need, not ensuring everyone gets the same thing.
It's easy to recognize that fair and equal aren't synonymous when you consider, say, public transportation. People in wheelchairs are given special consideration on the bus, and sometimes even have a dedicated bus pick them up to ensure they get where they need to go. It's not an equivalent treatment that ambulatory people receive, and for good reason. Those of us not using wheelchairs have no need for such specialized equipment. Thus, fairness is ensuring that people in wheelchairs are able to use public transit just as everyone else is.
Similarly, not all partners in poly relationships will be treated equally. This doesn't imply unfair treatment of one or more people (although that certainly may happen).
In my own relationships, I've noticed that one of my partners needs a lot of contact throughout the day, while the other does not. Because of this, I text Ryder while on dates with Rusty, but I limit how much I text Rusty when I'm with Ryder. This isn't because I love Ryder more or don't value Rusty. It's because not hearing from me for a few hours doesn't bother Rusty, but it makes Ryder anxious.
Conversely, Rusty often has to rely on me for transportation for dates. He shares a car with another partner, so if she needs the car for something, he won't have use of it. I'm happy to pick him up at the beginning of our date and drop him off after, and I rarely do this with Ryder (Ryder and the partner he lives with share three vehicles, making it easy for him to have access to wheels).
These are just some of my experiences. Examples I've seen of unequal yet fair treatment in poly relationships: living with one partner but not others, having several dates per week with some partners but only a few per month with others, engaging in certain hobbies with one partner but not the other, owning a business with some but not all partners.
You may be struggling with this inaccurate idea of fairness right now. Perhaps one of your partners has asked for something and you can't figure out how you'll give it to all your partners. Perhaps you've learned about something your partner shares with another partner, and you feel slighted that you don't get it as well. You can stop worrying! No one is being treated unfairly just because things aren't equal.
Are there other ways in which unequal but fair treatment manifests? Please share your experiences!
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Why NRE Sucks!
I recently wrote about why NRE is awesome. I still think it is. I stand by what I said then.
But NRE also sucks, and here's why: it significantly impairs your decision-making ability.
Being in love is exactly like being on drugs. And, while that makes you feel great and want more, it also makes you make poor choices.
Think back to all the things you did while "in love" that you later looked back on and wondered what the hell you were thinking. It's not a short list, is it?
Here are some things people do when "in love" that are really and truly terrible ideas:
These are unquestionably bad ideas that you would never give credence to if you weren't so dopey with yummy neurotransmitters.
The good news: you're not a horrible person. We all do this shit. We all get so caught up in getting our fix with our partner that we stop taking care of the details of life.
The bad news: you're the only one who can get yourself out of whatever mess you've gotten into. You're responsible for your actions. Have you made some really bad decisions because of NRE? Time to own them.
This week, spend Saturday night with your kids instead of on a date. Work some overtime to make up for that long lunch you took with your sweetie. Apologize to your other partner(s) for letting them down when you stood them up to go out with your new flame. Discuss separating your finances from your new squeeze who doesn't ever seem to be able to keep a job and has moved into your house.
It's important to enjoy the blissful feelings NRE gives you, but temper them with a hefty dose of logic and reason. Remember that your bliss won't last, and consider if you'll still feel good about that decision once you're back to baseline.
But NRE also sucks, and here's why: it significantly impairs your decision-making ability.
Being in love is exactly like being on drugs. And, while that makes you feel great and want more, it also makes you make poor choices.
Think back to all the things you did while "in love" that you later looked back on and wondered what the hell you were thinking. It's not a short list, is it?
Here are some things people do when "in love" that are really and truly terrible ideas:
- Neglecting other people you care about in order to focus attention on your partner (especially children, parents, friends, or other partners)
- Breaking agreements with other partners because you want something with your NRE partner
- Slacking off at work to focus more attention on your partner
- Compromising your principles to benefit your partner or the relationship
These are unquestionably bad ideas that you would never give credence to if you weren't so dopey with yummy neurotransmitters.
The good news: you're not a horrible person. We all do this shit. We all get so caught up in getting our fix with our partner that we stop taking care of the details of life.
The bad news: you're the only one who can get yourself out of whatever mess you've gotten into. You're responsible for your actions. Have you made some really bad decisions because of NRE? Time to own them.
This week, spend Saturday night with your kids instead of on a date. Work some overtime to make up for that long lunch you took with your sweetie. Apologize to your other partner(s) for letting them down when you stood them up to go out with your new flame. Discuss separating your finances from your new squeeze who doesn't ever seem to be able to keep a job and has moved into your house.
It's important to enjoy the blissful feelings NRE gives you, but temper them with a hefty dose of logic and reason. Remember that your bliss won't last, and consider if you'll still feel good about that decision once you're back to baseline.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Emotional Vampires
Let's talk about vampires.
Not the Stoker kind, or even the Twilight kind (okay, REALLY not the Twilight kind). Instead, let's discuss emotional vampires.
Emotional vampires take what they want from people to satisfy their own needs, then move on. They may call these attachments "relationships," but those they drain probably see them as "mistakes."
Emotional vampires don't consider the feelings, needs, or desires of those they use. They lure them in with good looks, or sex, or infatuation, or something else shiny and pretty. Once their victims are hooked, vampires use them to get what they want: validation, sexual fulfillment, status, money. They take what they want without regard for the consequences to their victim.
Then, when they're done, they disappear. This can be an actual distance vanishing, in which the victim and their circle of friends never see the vampire again, or an emotional one, in which the vampire simply cuts off contact with their bewildered victim.
In either case, the victim is usually left stunned, wondering what just happened. They may decide to blame themselves for things going wrong ("If only I hadn't texted so much!") or desperately pursue their vampire in an attempt to reconcile. They may become fearful of future emotional attachments to others, leaving them lonely later in life. A few will likely realize they've been horribly used, and attempt to move on as best they can.
Beware these vampires. Learn to recognize them before they drain you. Some warning signs:
A vampire:
Have you been involved with an emotional vampire? Please share your experience!
Not the Stoker kind, or even the Twilight kind (okay, REALLY not the Twilight kind). Instead, let's discuss emotional vampires.
Emotional vampires take what they want from people to satisfy their own needs, then move on. They may call these attachments "relationships," but those they drain probably see them as "mistakes."
Emotional vampires don't consider the feelings, needs, or desires of those they use. They lure them in with good looks, or sex, or infatuation, or something else shiny and pretty. Once their victims are hooked, vampires use them to get what they want: validation, sexual fulfillment, status, money. They take what they want without regard for the consequences to their victim.
Then, when they're done, they disappear. This can be an actual distance vanishing, in which the victim and their circle of friends never see the vampire again, or an emotional one, in which the vampire simply cuts off contact with their bewildered victim.
In either case, the victim is usually left stunned, wondering what just happened. They may decide to blame themselves for things going wrong ("If only I hadn't texted so much!") or desperately pursue their vampire in an attempt to reconcile. They may become fearful of future emotional attachments to others, leaving them lonely later in life. A few will likely realize they've been horribly used, and attempt to move on as best they can.
Beware these vampires. Learn to recognize them before they drain you. Some warning signs:
A vampire:
- Promises a perfect, wonderful relationship in the early stages of courtship.
- Has a lot of exes they never see or speak to.
- Stops speaking to you for long periods of time so they can "think about their feelings" instead of discussing problems with you.
- Is constantly facing an emotional crisis that demands time and attention.
- Is only available on their schedule; is never available if you ask to see them.
- Sets double standards on the terms of your relationship (e.g. it's okay for them to flirt with other people, but not okay for you to).
- Takes no responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
- Never attempts to make things right with those they've wronged.
Have you been involved with an emotional vampire? Please share your experience!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
For LBGTQ Kids: You Matter
I want to talk about something related, but not about marriage equality.
I want to speak directly to any LBGTQ youth who might ever come across this blog.
You are a good person. You have value and are worthwhile. You deserve to have the life you want. You matter.
I know it probably makes no difference hearing that from someone you likely don't know. I don't even know if I have any LBGTQ readers, much less young ones. But maybe if I say it to the ether, someone will say it to one of them. Maybe it will be you. They need to hear it.
Every year, thousands of LBGTQ youth are kicked out of their homes. These kids are far more likely than their hetero counterparts to experience personal attacks of violence, prolonged periods of homelessness, and substance abuse. LBGTQ youth are a whopping 6 times more likely to commit suicide than hetero youth.
These statistics do not reflect some defect inherent in LBGTQ kids. They reflect a defect in our society. All of these problems stem from rejection of LBGTQ youth by their family, peers, and teachers. They are bullied, beaten, raped, and murdered for simply being who they are.
This is completely unacceptable.
If you have experienced these sorts of attacks, let me tell you now: you did not deserve it. Nothing about your gender, sexual orientation, dress, mannerisms, or lifestyle warrants attacks on your body, home, or safety. If someone has done this to you, they are a monster. Even if that someone was your parents, your friends, your coach, your pastor. Nothing you have ever done deserves that sort of abuse. There is no excuse for anyone to behave that way towards you.
You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to have a safe place to live. To keep a job. To have a family. To shop for clothes and groceries without worrying you might be harmed or killed. You deserve life, just like anyone else.
To those readers who have been lucky enough not to be attacked, I urge you to become an ally. If you witness someone being attacked for their presumed gender or sexual orientation, stand up for them. If you know of a young person who no longer has a place to live because their parents do not accept them, help them find a place to stay. If you meet a person who is LBGTQ, welcome them.
Sadly, even being an ally carries a risk. You may be attacked with as much vehemence as LBGTQ people just for standing up for their rights. Please consider that this isn't a choice they can make. They have no control over being who they are.
We can all choose to do the right thing. To be loving, compassionate, accepting people. To value people as people, even if we don't understand their lifestyle. To protect kids from harm, even if we disagree with them.
The name of this blog is real love. Let your love help change society into something that isn't diseased. Understand that LBGTQ kids may feel totally unloved and unwelcome in the world, and do something to change that.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Lines in the Sand
Everyone has boundaries and limits in their life and relationships. They can be physical (such as not allowing others to drive your car) or emotional (such as using words like "partner" instead of "boyfriend" and "girlfriend").
Recognizing, communicating, and enforcing boundaries with your partners is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Let's address each individually.
First, you must recognize your boundaries, and determine how firm they are. Some will be non-negotiable. Some will be flexible under certain conditions. It's important to make this distinction.
For example, one of my boundaries involves cohabitation: I do not live with partners. This, for me, is inflexible. I am very solitary and greatly value my living space, and it's vital to me that I be the only one who sets the rules about what goes on in my home. This includes everything from who is invited over to how much clutter is present.
When I first started dating Rusty and Ryder, I had an additional boundary of no sleepovers. This stemmed from a previous, abusive relationship which had left me feeling highly vulnerable. After I worked through some of those issues on my own and established trust with my partners, we renegotiated this boundary and it no longer exists.
So keep in mind that boundaries are fluid, both yours and your partners'. Just because it was once true doesn't mean it must be true now, and it's okay to let your partner know that something has changed from what you had previously determined.
Which brings us to the next point: communicate your boundaries. Don't expect your partners to guess at what's important to you. Trust me, they'll guess wrong. Tell them what you need, and what is too much. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings; it will hurt them far worse to do something they thought was okay and unintentionally make you unhappy.
When communicating your boundaries, be clear and be firm. Don't hint at what you mean, especially for issues involving sex. Some people find talking about sex uncomfortable, but the people you have sex with need to know what you consider out of bounds.
So if what you mean is, "I don't like anal sex and don't want to have it," say that, don't hint or insinuate. Leave no room for doubt about what is important to you.
Even if your boundaries are fuzzy, communicate that clearly as well. It's okay to say, "I'm not sure how I feel about anal sex. I haven't really tried it. I might not like it." If there's information you would like from your partner, ask for it. If there are things that bother you but you're not sure why, let them know. The more information your partner has, the easier it will be for them to do what you need. Also, having a discussion with your partner when you're not really sure where your boundaries lie can actually help you figure out what is important to you and why. Sometimes just talking about it is enough to give you clarity.
Finally, enforce your boundaries once they've been defined and communicated. If you've told your partner you're not okay with sleepovers and they fall asleep on your couch, wake them up and ask them politely to leave. Any time your boundaries have been violated, explain to your partner what the violation was, remind them of the conversation you had in which you communicated what was and wasn't okay, and insist that they maintain your boundaries in the future.
By the same token, respect your partners' boundaries completely. You can, of course, ask the reasons behind what they ask of you, but be prepared for the answer to be "I don't know, I'm just not really comfortable with it." Check in with them regularly if you feel a boundary might be renegotiated, or is sensitive enough you feel it needs extra care. If you find yourself unsure of whether you're violating your partner's boundaries, ask, "Is this okay? Could I be doing something better?"
Don't be afraid to communicate your boundaries, and don't be offended when a partner communicates theirs. "I'm not comfortable having unprotected sex" doesn't mean "I don't like you."
Respecting the limits your partner has regarding themselves, their property, and their behavior within relationships is a basic element in a healthy relationship, as is having your own limits respected. Remember, you have the right to protect your body, your money, your home, and your safety. You do not have the right to violate that which belongs to your partner. If you share some of these things (like a home and finances), ensure you have clearly established the boundaries about what is and isn't okay to do with them.
Recognizing, communicating, and enforcing boundaries with your partners is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship. Let's address each individually.
First, you must recognize your boundaries, and determine how firm they are. Some will be non-negotiable. Some will be flexible under certain conditions. It's important to make this distinction.
For example, one of my boundaries involves cohabitation: I do not live with partners. This, for me, is inflexible. I am very solitary and greatly value my living space, and it's vital to me that I be the only one who sets the rules about what goes on in my home. This includes everything from who is invited over to how much clutter is present.
When I first started dating Rusty and Ryder, I had an additional boundary of no sleepovers. This stemmed from a previous, abusive relationship which had left me feeling highly vulnerable. After I worked through some of those issues on my own and established trust with my partners, we renegotiated this boundary and it no longer exists.
So keep in mind that boundaries are fluid, both yours and your partners'. Just because it was once true doesn't mean it must be true now, and it's okay to let your partner know that something has changed from what you had previously determined.
Which brings us to the next point: communicate your boundaries. Don't expect your partners to guess at what's important to you. Trust me, they'll guess wrong. Tell them what you need, and what is too much. Don't be afraid of hurting their feelings; it will hurt them far worse to do something they thought was okay and unintentionally make you unhappy.
When communicating your boundaries, be clear and be firm. Don't hint at what you mean, especially for issues involving sex. Some people find talking about sex uncomfortable, but the people you have sex with need to know what you consider out of bounds.
So if what you mean is, "I don't like anal sex and don't want to have it," say that, don't hint or insinuate. Leave no room for doubt about what is important to you.
Even if your boundaries are fuzzy, communicate that clearly as well. It's okay to say, "I'm not sure how I feel about anal sex. I haven't really tried it. I might not like it." If there's information you would like from your partner, ask for it. If there are things that bother you but you're not sure why, let them know. The more information your partner has, the easier it will be for them to do what you need. Also, having a discussion with your partner when you're not really sure where your boundaries lie can actually help you figure out what is important to you and why. Sometimes just talking about it is enough to give you clarity.
Finally, enforce your boundaries once they've been defined and communicated. If you've told your partner you're not okay with sleepovers and they fall asleep on your couch, wake them up and ask them politely to leave. Any time your boundaries have been violated, explain to your partner what the violation was, remind them of the conversation you had in which you communicated what was and wasn't okay, and insist that they maintain your boundaries in the future.
By the same token, respect your partners' boundaries completely. You can, of course, ask the reasons behind what they ask of you, but be prepared for the answer to be "I don't know, I'm just not really comfortable with it." Check in with them regularly if you feel a boundary might be renegotiated, or is sensitive enough you feel it needs extra care. If you find yourself unsure of whether you're violating your partner's boundaries, ask, "Is this okay? Could I be doing something better?"
Don't be afraid to communicate your boundaries, and don't be offended when a partner communicates theirs. "I'm not comfortable having unprotected sex" doesn't mean "I don't like you."
Respecting the limits your partner has regarding themselves, their property, and their behavior within relationships is a basic element in a healthy relationship, as is having your own limits respected. Remember, you have the right to protect your body, your money, your home, and your safety. You do not have the right to violate that which belongs to your partner. If you share some of these things (like a home and finances), ensure you have clearly established the boundaries about what is and isn't okay to do with them.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
No More Excuses
I've argued the case against letting other people tell you what or how you're feeling, and I stand by those arguments. But today I'm going to present the flip side of that coin.
While I would never presume to tell you what you're feeling about a situation, I can observe your actions. If you say, "You don't understand the way I conduct relationships," you may indeed be right. But when what I observe is that you give no value to the opinions or feelings of your partners, you act to protect your own interests at the expense of others, you tell other people what they can and cannot do in the relationships with people other than yourself, or you hold your partners to a different standard from which you hold yourself, I'm going to think that you are behaving badly, not simply loving differently.
It's time to stop making excuses for this bad behavior. "He does the same thing to me." "You just don't understand us." "I've always done this, and it's always worked fine for me." "If you don't like it, leave." "She finds it cute when I get jealous."
It can be hard to sympathize with those whose feelings you are totally failing to consider. You think, "Well, I would be okay if someone did this to me," and that makes it okay in your eyes. But if it's clearly not okay with your partner, you're not seeing the situation properly.
Here's an example: let's say there is a couple, Jenna and Alice. Jenna grew up in an abusive home, and Alice knows this. Jenna has been conditioned to do whatever someone says anytime they raise their voice, because consequences for disobedience when she was a child were severe. Alice had no such upbringing, and frequently yells during arguments. She's never upset if Jenna yells back, and she feels that yelling "lets off steam" and helps resolve conflict, because the argument always dies down immediately after the shouting starts. Jenna, meanwhile, feels manipulated and controlled, because Alice constantly gets her way by yelling whenever the two of them disagree.
This may be an extreme example, but it gets to the heart of the matter: just because shouting doesn't bother Alice, that doesn't make it okay. Alice knows that Jenna is sensitive to shouting, yet she does it anyway because it gets her what she wants.
Loving behavior would look like this: when Alice and Jenna disagree, Alice takes extra care to maintain a quiet, calm discussion, even when things get emotional. When she feels herself becoming angry and fighting the urge to shout, she asks for a break from the conversation so she can regain her composure. During times when no conflict is occurring, Alice makes sure Jenna knows that she may sometimes have to put arguments on hold in order to keep things calm, and if this happens it's because she wants to be sure everyone's voice gets heard.
Which of these two situations sounds more like your current relationships? Do you and your partner(s) take extra care to consider each other's needs and feelings, or do you insist on having your way regardless of the consequences? During arguments, do you try to force your partner to see it your way, or do you try to work towards a solution that satisfies you both?
Think for a moment about how you conduct yourself in your relationships, and examine whether you are behaving in a way that shows love. How might you make more effort to ensure your partners' needs are met and their voices are heard?
While I would never presume to tell you what you're feeling about a situation, I can observe your actions. If you say, "You don't understand the way I conduct relationships," you may indeed be right. But when what I observe is that you give no value to the opinions or feelings of your partners, you act to protect your own interests at the expense of others, you tell other people what they can and cannot do in the relationships with people other than yourself, or you hold your partners to a different standard from which you hold yourself, I'm going to think that you are behaving badly, not simply loving differently.
It's time to stop making excuses for this bad behavior. "He does the same thing to me." "You just don't understand us." "I've always done this, and it's always worked fine for me." "If you don't like it, leave." "She finds it cute when I get jealous."
It can be hard to sympathize with those whose feelings you are totally failing to consider. You think, "Well, I would be okay if someone did this to me," and that makes it okay in your eyes. But if it's clearly not okay with your partner, you're not seeing the situation properly.
Here's an example: let's say there is a couple, Jenna and Alice. Jenna grew up in an abusive home, and Alice knows this. Jenna has been conditioned to do whatever someone says anytime they raise their voice, because consequences for disobedience when she was a child were severe. Alice had no such upbringing, and frequently yells during arguments. She's never upset if Jenna yells back, and she feels that yelling "lets off steam" and helps resolve conflict, because the argument always dies down immediately after the shouting starts. Jenna, meanwhile, feels manipulated and controlled, because Alice constantly gets her way by yelling whenever the two of them disagree.
This may be an extreme example, but it gets to the heart of the matter: just because shouting doesn't bother Alice, that doesn't make it okay. Alice knows that Jenna is sensitive to shouting, yet she does it anyway because it gets her what she wants.
Loving behavior would look like this: when Alice and Jenna disagree, Alice takes extra care to maintain a quiet, calm discussion, even when things get emotional. When she feels herself becoming angry and fighting the urge to shout, she asks for a break from the conversation so she can regain her composure. During times when no conflict is occurring, Alice makes sure Jenna knows that she may sometimes have to put arguments on hold in order to keep things calm, and if this happens it's because she wants to be sure everyone's voice gets heard.
Which of these two situations sounds more like your current relationships? Do you and your partner(s) take extra care to consider each other's needs and feelings, or do you insist on having your way regardless of the consequences? During arguments, do you try to force your partner to see it your way, or do you try to work towards a solution that satisfies you both?
Think for a moment about how you conduct yourself in your relationships, and examine whether you are behaving in a way that shows love. How might you make more effort to ensure your partners' needs are met and their voices are heard?
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