Monday, July 1, 2013

"Nice Guys" Are Passive-Agressive Douchebags

I'm usually a big fan of The Good Men Project. They say interesting and often useful things. So I'm completely dumbfounded as to why they would publish Andy Bodle's self-pitying whine-fest about a pretty girl who turned him down.

It's a well-written and nicely composed whine-fest, I'll grant you that. But fuck! He thought he was madly in love with a girl for nearly a year but didn't bother to mention this to her, instead cultivating (what she thought was) a deep, meaningful friendship in which they supported and cared for each other. And he's surprised when he springs on her, soon after a party at which she hooked up with someone else, "Hey, by the way, I'm in love with you!" and she doesn't feel the same?

Here's the thing, girls absolutely do not fall for jerks. We loathe discovering that the guy we've recently started dating is, in truth, an enormous asshole. We hate being treated badly, we don't enjoy being cheated on or lied to, and we can't stand when men reveal that we were a notch on their bedpost on the way to something younger and hotter. That shit really goddamned sucks.

We adore guys who treat us like royalty. We love men who comfort us when we're down, who are thrilled with us when we succeed, who cuddle us while watching movies and dance with us when we go out. When we discover that our new beau has these qualities, we are absolutely over the moon. No woman says, three weeks into a relationship, "Well, he hasn't called me a slut or cheated on me once. I'm not sure this has long-term potential."

You men who think girls only go for "bad boys" and never "nice guys" like you (and I'm pretty sure this is only a problem with hetero boys), it's not "nice guys" we don't like. It's you.

You are, in fact, not nice. Wheedling your way into a woman's pants by pretending to be her friend is not nice. Expecting sex in return for a shoulder to cry on is not nice. Wishing she could read your mind and realize you love her but never actually, you know, asking her out is not nice.

That's passive aggression, and it's one of the biggest turnoffs in the world.

Contrary to what you might think, women do have male friends they don't fuck. Some men genuinely are nice, and some of them like to have women friends, to have conversations and stuff with. Some men don't have a secret agenda of getting every pretty girl who gives them a modicum of attention into bed. Some men (gasp!) actually just like women and enjoy their company. We like being friends with them.

And if all you ever do is offer friendship, don't be surprised when we completely fail to fall in love with you. If you're expecting friendship to lead to sex, too goddamned bad for you. That's not the way it works. To quote a friend (who I'll credit if someone points out who first said this), "Women are not vending machines you put 'nice' tokens in and sex comes out."

Furthermore, "nice" is not a selling point, so quit offering that to women as if it's some holy grail. Niceness is, in fact, a basic requirement. It's like trying to get a date based on being clean. If your best quality is that you're "nice," expect to get passed over for men who would never call themselves nice, but actually are nice, in addition to things like clever, funny, interesting, and talented.

We expect better. And we're not remotely sorry for your silent suffering.

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