Taming the Green-Eyed Monster: Tips for Those Considering Polyamory

Photo courtesy of Alyssa L. Miller

For people who have been monogamous and are considering opening their relationship, a major concern is jealousy. It's the most common question posed to people who are poly. How do we deal with jealousy? Do we feel jealousy?

Of course, everyone feels jealousy. Monogamous people feel jealousy. Everyone gets jealous. People feel jealous of their siblings, of their coworkers, of their friends; it's not limited only to romantic relationships. So of course, people who are poly get jealous, just like everyone else.

Thus people who are poly come up with mechanisms to handle jealousy in the context of romantic relationships. These are probably unique, and different from the way monogamous people handle jealousy. So if you are monogamous and thinking of opening your relationship and you're concerned about jealousy that's a very good start. You're already thinking about it. You're anticipating it. So here are some tips that you might employ to deal with it.

My best advice is to prevent or reduce jealousy before it even starts. This can be done by, early on, having discussions about what will help you not feel jealous in the first place. Try to do this before either of you has any actual, specific interest, so you're not thinking about a specific person. You're just thinking in general, hypothetical terms. And try to focus on statements of doing instead of statements of not doing. What your partner doesn't do with someone else is an endless list. You can't cover everything and you'll be upset with yourself when they do something you forgot to mention, and you'll quickly have to write it in. So try to stay away from the "do nots" and focus on the "dos."

Some examples of a "help me not feel jealousy" list could be:

• I would like to know the name of the person that you are going out with before the date.
• Before you have sex, I would like for your partner to have negative test results six months or more recently for all major STIs and not have had any new partners in that time. (Sex safety is a very important thing to people who are poly!)
• I would prefer that you meet in public when you start your date.
• I would prefer to meet your potential dates before you go out with them.

Having that list already made before the date (write it down if you need to!) can give you reassurance that your partner is providing the things that you need to help minimize your stress.

There is an idea I think a lot of monogamous people have, because they've only been in monogamous relationships, of themselves sitting at home on their couch, bored and jealous, while their partner goes out and has the best sex of their life. I'm sure that that happens. I know that it does; I have been in that situation myself. But the reality is that, when you are seriously involved with more than one person, you become very, very busy, and you forget that your partner is on a wonderful, fulfilling, sexually charged date with someone else, because you are too busy doing the thing that you are doing and really enjoying.

So before either of you starts dating someone else, start doing some things on your own. Do these things separately, not as a couple. I know it's very easy to fall into "couple habits" when you are partnered up. But get your own hobbies that don't involve that other person. Join a sports team, or play board games with other people, or join a karaoke league or quilting club, and do not include your partner. Specifically exclude them from that activity. And then deliberately try to schedule their dates with other people during that time. So your partner has their dates with other people while you are at your karaoke league and you have your dates with other people while they're at their racquetball game. Because when you are sitting around dwelling on your jealousy, you're feeding it and making it stronger. When you're actively engaged in doing something you enjoy, with people you enjoy doing it with, you won't have very much attention to devote to the fact that your partner is out with someone else. And, if it does occur to you, you won't have much time to think about it before you need to think about something else. This is not smothering it and it's not quashing it. It's just not allowing you to dwell on it and make it any bigger.

But as I said, you are going to feel jealousy. It might come up when you don't expect it--maybe not when your partner is on that date. So when it does come up, sit with it. Acknowledge it. Realize that this is happening and it's real. And it's okay. You can either embrace the feeling, or you can confront it, or you can just mull it over, but don't ignore it. And try not to feed it. Try not to go down a spiral of imagining all the things that your partner is doing with someone else, because that is only going to make things worse. Remember that you have felt jealousy before and survived it. You have felt this before; this is not a new emotion. And you have felt it with people that you are still on good terms with. You've felt it with your family members or friends or coworkers. This will turn out okay too.

It seems a lot of people who are monogamous have some very rigid ideas of what they think will cause their jealousy. They think this because they haven't actually been in these situations. They say things like, "Well, I would have no problem if my husband fell in love with someone else, I just can't abide the thought of him spending a Saturday night in someone else's bed," or, "I would be fine with my girlfriend kissing someone, but I just don't want her to suck anybody else's cock," or, "You know, I'm totally okay with my boyfriend having all the sex he wants with all the people he wants, but I can't imagine what would happen if he watched Game of Thrones without me." And the truth is, you're wrong. Maybe those things really would set you off, but things you never even considered will set you off too, and you won't know until you encounter them. It may be that, in fact, waking up and having to make breakfast alone maybe is the biggest deal you could have possibly encountered and suddenly you're consumed with jealousy about it. Maybe it never occurred to you before.

Right now, you might say something like, "Oh, I can't imagine having Christmas without my partner." But at some point you may be passionately and deeply in love with someone else and very committed to them, and you may prefer then to spend Christmas with their family, learning about where they came from. And you may be happy for your partner to spend that same holiday with another person, having a similar experience.

So having a set script of what will and will not make you jealous is just completely unrealistic. You need to realize that it's going to come up, and it's going to happen over things you didn't expect, and you can mitigate it beforehand by having some agreements and some idea of what is going to happen, and by keeping yourself busy when things that are likely to produce jealousy are happening. And remember that, at some point, the situation is going to be reversed. At some point it's going be you going on a first date with someone, having the excitement of the first time you have sex, and it's going to be your partner who is dealing with how they feel about that.

So keep those things in mind when you're on both sides of this equation, and behave in ways that are respectful toward each other. Make sure you're doing what your partner needs. Just because it wouldn't bother you doesn't mean it won't bother them. Avoid those things you know will bother them as much as possible.

And finally, the idea that sharing your partner's body or heart with another person makes you vulnerable to having them stolen from you is completely ridiculous. If the person you are with is the type of person who will leave you for someone else, they are going to do that no matter what kind of relationship you are in, whether it's monogamous or polyamorous. And if they are not that person they are not going to do that, regardless of the type of relationship you are in. You need to trust that you know what type of person they are. If they are the type of person to leave you for someone else because they think that person is better, then you should go ahead and face that now, because they will. And if they are not the type of person to leave you for someone else, then have faith that that is not going to happen any more in a polyamorous situation when they love someone else deeply than it is when it's just the two of you. Trust in their commitment to you and their love for you, and know that they will behave in a committed and loving manner toward you, regardless of the circumstances.

Regarding the War on Women

Recently, Ohio and Texas made national and international headlines when women's rights once again came to the forefront of state legislatures.

In both of these states, a woman's right to choose what happens to her own body is under attack. In Texas, conservatives seek to cut funding to family planning clinics statewide, limit the time a woman has to choose to terminate a pregnancy from 24 weeks to 20, and force doctors who perform abortions out of business.

In Ohio, the GOP has not only defunded family planning clinics and rape crisis counseling centers, but has redefined "pregnant" in such a way as to outlaw many types of safe, effective birth control, such as IUDs.

Disguised as "protecting women's health" or "protecting unborn children," these laws are actually legislation designed to punish women who have recreational sex.

The double standard when it comes to sex laws is so staggeringly ugly it's no surprise that women legislators have begun to fight dirty.

Stop and think about the state of reproductive health care in the U.S. Under the Health Care Reform Act, employers are required to provide health insurance for their employees. Religion-drenched organizations like Hobby Lobby wish to deny their workers access to birth control. Sadly, they now have that ability. However, under the same health plans that deny women access to contraception, men can get pills for erectile dysfunction.

So women cannot get medicine that, in addition to preventing pregnancy, can help regulate uncontrolled bleeding, stabilize mood, reduce the severity of skin disorders, and prevent cancer. Men, however, can get pills that offer little benefit other than allowing them to have sex.

The message: if you are a man, it is your right to have as much sex as you want, regardless of the consequences. It's a matter of health. But if you are a woman, you may only have sex in order to make babies, and any other sexual activity should be punished in the harshest manner possible. By having sex, you risk forfeiting your life and health. Sex is a right for men only.

Does this infuriate you as much as it infuriates me?

"Nice Guys" Are Passive-Agressive Douchebags

I'm usually a big fan of The Good Men Project. They say interesting and often useful things. So I'm completely dumbfounded as to why they would publish Andy Bodle's self-pitying whine-fest about a pretty girl who turned him down.

It's a well-written and nicely composed whine-fest, I'll grant you that. But fuck! He thought he was madly in love with a girl for nearly a year but didn't bother to mention this to her, instead cultivating (what she thought was) a deep, meaningful friendship in which they supported and cared for each other. And he's surprised when he springs on her, soon after a party at which she hooked up with someone else, "Hey, by the way, I'm in love with you!" and she doesn't feel the same?

Here's the thing, girls absolutely do not fall for jerks. We loathe discovering that the guy we've recently started dating is, in truth, an enormous asshole. We hate being treated badly, we don't enjoy being cheated on or lied to, and we can't stand when men reveal that we were a notch on their bedpost on the way to something younger and hotter. That shit really goddamned sucks.

We adore guys who treat us like royalty. We love men who comfort us when we're down, who are thrilled with us when we succeed, who cuddle us while watching movies and dance with us when we go out. When we discover that our new beau has these qualities, we are absolutely over the moon. No woman says, three weeks into a relationship, "Well, he hasn't called me a slut or cheated on me once. I'm not sure this has long-term potential."

You men who think girls only go for "bad boys" and never "nice guys" like you (and I'm pretty sure this is only a problem with hetero boys), it's not "nice guys" we don't like. It's you.

You are, in fact, not nice. Wheedling your way into a woman's pants by pretending to be her friend is not nice. Expecting sex in return for a shoulder to cry on is not nice. Wishing she could read your mind and realize you love her but never actually, you know, asking her out is not nice.

That's passive aggression, and it's one of the biggest turnoffs in the world.

Contrary to what you might think, women do have male friends they don't fuck. Some men genuinely are nice, and some of them like to have women friends, to have conversations and stuff with. Some men don't have a secret agenda of getting every pretty girl who gives them a modicum of attention into bed. Some men (gasp!) actually just like women and enjoy their company. We like being friends with them.

And if all you ever do is offer friendship, don't be surprised when we completely fail to fall in love with you. If you're expecting friendship to lead to sex, too goddamned bad for you. That's not the way it works. To quote a friend (who I'll credit if someone points out who first said this), "Women are not vending machines you put 'nice' tokens in and sex comes out."

Furthermore, "nice" is not a selling point, so quit offering that to women as if it's some holy grail. Niceness is, in fact, a basic requirement. It's like trying to get a date based on being clean. If your best quality is that you're "nice," expect to get passed over for men who would never call themselves nice, but actually are nice, in addition to things like clever, funny, interesting, and talented.

We expect better. And we're not remotely sorry for your silent suffering.

Being Fair Is NOT Being Equal

For those of us in multiple relationships, "fair" can be a loaded word. "It's not fair that she gets to sleep over but I don't." "It's not fair that you don't use condoms with him but you do with me." "It's not fair that he gets weekend dates with you while I only get weekdays." "It's not fair that we never take trips together but you do that with your other partners."

Sound familiar? Most of us hear things like this all too often.

The fact is, sometimes those things may be true. And you may feel you're being treated unfairly when you find that your metamours (your partner's other partners) receive different treatment than you do.

But please understand, fair isn't the same as equal.

Did you catch that? I'll say it again: fair isn't the same as equal. Fairness in relationships is ensuring everyone gets what they need, not ensuring everyone gets the same thing.

It's easy to recognize that fair and equal aren't synonymous when you consider, say, public transportation. People in wheelchairs are given special consideration on the bus, and sometimes even have a dedicated bus pick them up to ensure they get where they need to go. It's not an equivalent treatment that ambulatory people receive, and for good reason. Those of us not using wheelchairs have no need for such specialized equipment. Thus, fairness is ensuring that people in wheelchairs are able to use public transit just as everyone else is.

Similarly, not all partners in poly relationships will be treated equally. This doesn't imply unfair treatment of one or more people (although that certainly may happen).

In my own relationships, I've noticed that one of my partners needs a lot of contact throughout the day, while the other does not. Because of this, I text Ryder while on dates with Rusty, but I limit how much I text Rusty when I'm with Ryder. This isn't because I love Ryder more or don't value Rusty. It's because not hearing from me for a few hours doesn't bother Rusty, but it makes Ryder anxious.

Conversely, Rusty often has to rely on me for transportation for dates. He shares a car with another partner, so if she needs the car for something, he won't have use of it. I'm happy to pick him up at the beginning of our date and drop him off after, and I rarely do this with Ryder (Ryder and the partner he lives with share three vehicles, making it easy for him to have access to wheels).

These are just some of my experiences. Examples I've seen of unequal yet fair treatment in poly relationships: living with one partner but not others, having several dates per week with some partners but only a few per month with others, engaging in certain hobbies with one partner but not the other, owning a business with some but not all partners.

You may be struggling with this inaccurate idea of fairness right now. Perhaps one of your partners has asked for something and you can't figure out how you'll give it to all your partners. Perhaps you've learned about something your partner shares with another partner, and you feel slighted that you don't get it as well. You can stop worrying! No one is being treated unfairly just because things aren't equal.

Are there other ways in which unequal but fair treatment manifests? Please share your experiences!

Why NRE Sucks!

I recently wrote about why NRE is awesome. I still think it is. I stand by what I said then.

But NRE also sucks, and here's why: it significantly impairs your decision-making ability.

Being in love is exactly like being on drugs. And, while that makes you feel great and want more, it also makes you make poor choices.

Think back to all the things you did while "in love" that you later looked back on and wondered what the hell you were thinking. It's not a short list, is it?

Here are some things people do when "in love" that are really and truly terrible ideas:

• Neglecting other people you care about in order to focus attention on your partner (especially children, parents, friends, or other partners)
• Breaking agreements with other partners because you want something with your NRE partner
• Slacking off at work to focus more attention on your partner
• Compromising your principles to benefit your partner or the relationship

These are unquestionably bad ideas that you would never give credence to if you weren't so dopey with yummy neurotransmitters.

The good news: you're not a horrible person. We all do this shit. We all get so caught up in getting our fix with our partner that we stop taking care of the details of life.

The bad news: you're the only one who can get yourself out of whatever mess you've gotten into. You're responsible for your actions. Have you made some really bad decisions because of NRE? Time to own them.

This week, spend Saturday night with your kids instead of on a date. Work some overtime to make up for that long lunch you took with your sweetie. Apologize to your other partner(s) for letting them down when you stood them up to go out with your new flame. Discuss separating your finances from your new squeeze who doesn't ever seem to be able to keep a job and has moved into your house.

It's important to enjoy the blissful feelings NRE gives you, but temper them with a hefty dose of logic and reason. Remember that your bliss won't last, and consider if you'll still feel good about that decision once you're back to baseline.

Emotional Vampires

Let's talk about vampires.

Not the Stoker kind, or even the Twilight kind (okay, REALLY not the Twilight kind). Instead, let's discuss emotional vampires.

Emotional vampires take what they want from people to satisfy their own needs, then move on. They may call these attachments "relationships," but those they drain probably see them as "mistakes."

Emotional vampires don't consider the feelings, needs, or desires of those they use. They lure them in with good looks, or sex, or infatuation, or something else shiny and pretty. Once their victims are hooked, vampires use them to get what they want: validation, sexual fulfillment, status, money. They take what they want without regard for the consequences to their victim.

Then, when they're done, they disappear. This can be an actual distance vanishing, in which the victim and their circle of friends never see the vampire again, or an emotional one, in which the vampire simply cuts off contact with their bewildered victim.

In either case, the victim is usually left stunned, wondering what just happened. They may decide to blame themselves for things going wrong ("If only I hadn't texted so much!") or desperately pursue their vampire in an attempt to reconcile. They may become fearful of future emotional attachments to others, leaving them lonely later in life. A few will likely realize they've been horribly used, and attempt to move on as best they can.

Beware these vampires. Learn to recognize them before they drain you. Some warning signs:
A vampire:

• Promises a perfect, wonderful relationship in the early stages of courtship.
• Has a lot of exes they never see or speak to.
• Stops speaking to you for long periods of time so they can "think about their feelings" instead of discussing problems with you.
• Is constantly facing an emotional crisis that demands time and attention.
• Is only available on their schedule; is never available if you ask to see them.
• Sets double standards on the terms of your relationship (e.g. it's okay for them to flirt with other people, but not okay for you to).
• Takes no responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
• Never attempts to make things right with those they've wronged.

Have you been involved with an emotional vampire? Please share your experience!

For LBGTQ Kids: You Matter

With Prop 8 and DOMA before the U.S. Supreme Court this week, it seems gay marriage and equal rights are what everyone is talking about.

I want to talk about something related, but not about marriage equality.

I want to speak directly to any LBGTQ youth who might ever come across this blog.

You are a good person. You have value and are worthwhile. You deserve to have the life you want. You matter.

I know it probably makes no difference hearing that from someone you likely don't know. I don't even know if I have any LBGTQ readers, much less young ones. But maybe if I say it to the ether, someone will say it to one of them. Maybe it will be you. They need to hear it.

Every year, thousands of LBGTQ youth are kicked out of their homes. These kids are far more likely than their hetero counterparts to experience personal attacks of violence, prolonged periods of homelessness, and substance abuse. LBGTQ youth are a whopping 6 times more likely to commit suicide than hetero youth.

These statistics do not reflect some defect inherent in LBGTQ kids. They reflect a defect in our society. All of these problems stem from rejection of LBGTQ youth by their family, peers, and teachers. They are bullied, beaten, raped, and murdered for simply being who they are.

This is completely unacceptable.

If you have experienced these sorts of attacks, let me tell you now: you did not deserve it. Nothing about your gender, sexual orientation, dress, mannerisms, or lifestyle warrants attacks on your body, home, or safety. If someone has done this to you, they are a monster. Even if that someone was your parents, your friends, your coach, your pastor. Nothing you have ever done deserves that sort of abuse. There is no excuse for anyone to behave that way towards you.

You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to have a safe place to live. To keep a job. To have a family. To shop for clothes and groceries without worrying you might be harmed or killed. You deserve life, just like anyone else.

To those readers who have been lucky enough not to be attacked, I urge you to become an ally. If you witness someone being attacked for their presumed gender or sexual orientation, stand up for them. If you know of a young person who no longer has a place to live because their parents do not accept them, help them find a place to stay. If you meet a person who is LBGTQ, welcome them.

Sadly, even being an ally carries a risk. You may be attacked with as much vehemence as LBGTQ people just for standing up for their rights. Please consider that this isn't a choice they can make. They have no control over being who they are.

We can all choose to do the right thing. To be loving, compassionate, accepting people. To value people as people, even if we don't understand their lifestyle. To protect kids from harm, even if we disagree with them.

The name of this blog is real love. Let your love help change society into something that isn't diseased. Understand that LBGTQ kids may feel totally unloved and unwelcome in the world, and do something to change that.